A win with the arrows and an outrageous misfortune

October 9th, 2008

If you cut me I bleed darts. Ever since devoting much of 1986 to the Red Lion’s dart board I’ve had a passion for chucking little bits of metal at walls. To be honest I’ve never really been that good at it but I think I must have a genetic link with the game.

After all, my Dad looks quite a lot like Bobby Bobby Dazzler George and I look quite a lot like my Dad. It doesn’t take great deductive reasoning to figure out that one day I too will look like Bobby which means that at last I could be mistaken for a serious athlete.

The fundamental difference between me and Bobby George is that whilst he is the greatest world champion we never had, I have actually won an international darts competition.

I went on holiday a few weeks ago. It was all right. Like any self respecting middle class Englishman I poor scorn on the concept of manufactured entertainment that characterises the package holiday and see it for the contrived jollity it actually is. Well I did until I found out they give you certificates if you win things.

We stayed in a pretty nice hotel, as it turned out, and one of the things provided to keep us happy were daily games and events designed to keep us hanging around the hotel. Having said that I quite fancied the prospect of the KILLER DARTS competition as I hadn’ played darts in years.

It was looking a bit dodgy to begin with as I was the only person that bothered to enter. After being patronised by the frighteningly happy entertainment man for a few games I finally got a proper competition. Actually this was a bit of a disappointment as I’d noticed I was easily going to beat the bloke paid by the hotel as he always missed the board if there was any danger of me losing. Ah well.

Donald was clearly a much greater challenge. He hadn’t played for years either and neither of us appeared to have much ability to score much more than single figures. That’s in fact pretty hard with darts.

I’d have thought that somebody out there must be asking the question, what the hell is KILLER DARTS? A very good question.

The odds that I’ll remember all of the rules is remote but I’ll give it a go.

  1. Each player has 4 lives
  2. The first player throws three darts and must beat the score of 31. If he/she doesn’t then he/she loses a life. The opponent must then beat the previous score set by the original player or also lose a life.
  3. The first player must then beat the score set by the second player with 10 added to it. So if the second player got 45 in the first round then the first player must beat 55. The second player must then beat the score set by the first player or lose a life.
  4. The first player must then get a score of less than that set by the second player (in the previous round) without missing the board. The second player must then get less than this.
  5. The first player must only hit odd numbers. The second player must also only hit odd numbers but get a higher score.
  6. The first player must get three different colours for example white, black and green. The second player must do the same.
  7. If at any point a player loses all of their lives the sudden death round begins. In sudden death each player takes it in turns to get three 20’s, three 18’s and three 19’s. Theoretically someone could get this in three darts by getting trebles in each but it takes a bit longer..in fact much much longer.

Anyone can see that the creation of the last round makes this game complete nonsense to play. Both myself and Donald had great difficulty in figuring out what the hell we were supposed to be doing but the only thing that really matters in all this is that I won.

Winning the KILLER DARTS has to be one of the proudest achievements in my life to date. Obviously something as important as this needed to be marked with a certificate and fortunately the hotel did not let me down.

I was told that all I had to do was go to the bar at 9:15 where they would have gathered most of the hotel residents to clap and generally applaud my dart throwing ability. I was very excited.

By the time my moment of glory arrived I was on my way to the bar thinking about how people were going to hoist me on their shoulders and parade me around. That was until I got to the bar and realised the horrible truth.

I have no idea why anyone thought this would be a good idea but they had decided to organise the certificate giving ceremony at the same time as the reptile show. Why would you even have a reptile show in a hotel? What if they escape and eat people?

I can’t stand seeing snakes on the TV so there was no chance that I was going to go in the same room as one. As much as I hate snakes I also really love getting certificates. This created one of the greatest dilemmas I have ever had to contend with. I dealt with this by walking about in a small circle looking a bit mental.

Before they announced my achievement they gave a certificate to some kid called Sam who had apparently won the memory game (I was watching through the doors). This made me really angry. If I’d known there was a memory game I could have probably have won that as well. I can easily remember more than a 7 year old. Mainly because I’ve seen more things.

As they announced my certificate I decided I had to confront my fear and strode into the bar looking straight forward. I reckon that bit must have looked quite good as the electric doors flew open in front of me. Unfortunately I ruined the affect a bit by walking into a pillar.

I made it onto the stage where they asked me if I was pleased to have won and all I could think to say was I’m scared of snakes.

Sam then tried to show me up by stroking an iguana in front of me. His dad was there so I couldn’t punch him.


Posted in Misc | Comments (1)

One Response to “A win with the arrows and an outrageous misfortune”

  1. dom Says:

    Your dad really does look like Bobby George.Surprised to learn that he was never world champ.
    Shouldn’t be writing this should be goinig home for tea.

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